Joke of the day

[Tripps]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Tripps]

Three guys are arguing about what the best bar is. Sal says Vinnie's in Brooklyn is the best. You buy your first beer, you buy your second beer, Vinnie buys the third beer. They all agree that is great.
Sean says McDougall's in Dublin is the best, you buy one beer, McDougall buys the next, every time. They agree that's great.
Stanley says the greatest bar is Warshowki's, in Warsaw. He says at Warshowki's, they buy your first drink, they buy your second drink, they buy
your third drink, then they take you up stairs and get you laid.
Vinny says wow, that's amazing, have you been there? Stanley said no, but my sister told me about it

[Tripps]

Two jokes for the price of one-

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!


A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

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A BRICK!!!!

[rainman]

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 60 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.🤣😂🙋♀️🙋♂️🍔🍟☕️

[Tripps]

Love this one

[rainman]

[rainman]

[Steel]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock
while Little BoPeep was sucking his cock
as soon as he came she started to weep
She knew by the taste that he'd been fucking her sheep

[Tripps]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/winnersjokes...licerjoke.html

[rainman]

After being together for thirty years, Scooter Mike's ol lady asked him to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[rainman]

[rainman]

[rainman]

[Grumpy Old Codger]

[Tripps]

Mom was cleaning her ten year old son's room one day when she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put the dirty magazine back under his bed and waited for his father to get home, then showed him.

He opened the magazine and flicked through a few pages, then handed it right back to her without saying a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad paused and said, "Well, I'm no expert, but whatever you decide, I wouldn't friggin' spank him."

[Grumpy Old Codger]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face.
She looked more beautiful even than she had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it.
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."