Joke of the day

[Grumpy Old Codger]

An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holidays in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The undertaker said "It will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here"
The husband said "Ship her home"
The undertaker replied "But sir, why don't you bury her here, in the Holy Land and save money?"
The husband said "Listen here pal, a very long time ago, a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead..... She's going Home

[Tripps]

[Tripps]

[Steel]

Don't fuck with old people. they have devious minds and time to waste. 😂

[Boog]

Do you like watching MC Garage's videos? Did you love the movie Dumb and Dumber? Then you should spend 30 minutes of your life and watch this video...
https://youtu.be/X-WgGh9lvx4

[1olbull]

Was well worth the watch!
I'm in pain after watching that ride.

[LabRat]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

[1olbull]

I know you were fortunate to find at least one . . .
and she's a keeper fer sure!

[LabRat]

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

[Tripps]

[LabRat]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Tripps]

[LabRat]

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

[1olbull]

Virginians frequently marry their livestock!
Livestock don't count as peeps.
As I wordsmith this treatise, I toast you with a Rum Diplomatico!

[1olbull]

I found a few O-L-D jokes in my puter archives!!!

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Normal motor riders believe that if the bike ain't broke, don't fix it.
HD Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

And for you golfers . . .
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play free any time!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

I hope they bring youse a grin . . .

[EasTexOutlaw]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.