Joke of the day

[rainman]

SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

[rainman]

👍👍👍

[Tripps]

I'm thinking Rodney Dangerfield. I read his autobiography recently, it was pretty good

[EasTexOutlaw]

No that was definitely Red Skelton

[rainman]

Red skeleton

[rainman]

https://youtu.be/6fNWHbnIn0g?si=IEl6BV8-iIsK_2mn

[rainman]

[Tripps]

Truth

[Mighty Mouse]

Very true. My 95 year old Mother in law just wants to pass in her sleep but to this day she still only eats healthy. She isn't enjoying life at all and is starting to look like a person of 95. I feel bad for her because everyone will remember her looking like she does now instead of how you would want to be remembered a few years younger. 🙁

[EasTexOutlaw]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Texas , sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.
"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas .."
"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

[Tripps]

[barbagris]

[1olbull]

FUNNY!!!
GRAYBEARD, I hope you are well & happy!

[barbagris]

Alive and kicking. Thanks.

[rainman]

[EasTexOutlaw]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Mighty Mouse]

Think how lucky we all are. Most of us had a 99.9999 chance of ending up in a sock left in the corner. Then the fight with 40 million to 1.2 billion other 'Swimmers' to hit the egg finish line. You were first! We are all winners. I don't feel like one at times although numbers don't lie. 👍

[Tripps]

You're really into masturbation , aren't you. Interesting, spellchecker is apparently too politically correct to recognize the word

[Mighty Mouse]

Actually no weenie pulling for me and really? Spell check guy?

[Tripps]

The phone does it automatically, but I still don't spell worth a damn. I only notice it when the phone changes shit on me

[Tripps]

Two Scotsman were sitting on top of a hill that overlooked their small village. During a break in the conversation, one man lets out a sigh as he's looking down at his village, and his friend asks him what's wrong. "Look at that town down there." he replied. "You see the bridge crossing the river that leads into our village? I built that bridge with my own two bare hands. But do they call me McGregor, the Bridgebuilder? No. "And you see the Church in the middle of our village, overlooking the square? Well I built that Church with my own two bare hands. And do they call me...McGregor, the Churchbuilder? No." He pauses, and looks over at his friend. "But fuck ONE sheep

[rainman]

Ain't talking bout Scott n exile are you 🤣

[Mighty Mouse]

Are you really in exile living in Fort Walton Beach? It's not like he was kicked out of Scotland but actually politely asked to leave. That's just a rumor so take it with a grain of salt.

[rocketfrvb]

Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[rainman]

🤣🤣🤣

[Tripps]

This one is for the Scot

A professor at Texas A&M was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get
a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.


When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,



Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Bubba replied, "Shoooot! From way back thar I thought you


said, "Goats!"

[Tripps]

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.
It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil! ”

[rainman]

[EasTexOutlaw]

😳😳😳

[1olbull]

🤣🤣🤣

If it gets on the roadway, WATCH OUT!
That stuff is slippery as hell!